Jokes

Ok so the whole time I was in the hospital I had these 3 jokes stuck in my head. One of the nurses had told me she liked that I loved to laugh, so she told me a cute joke. I wanted to tell her one in return, but I don't know any clean jokes. So I just laughed and gave her nothing in exchange. These were the three I wanted to tell her but didn't want to offend her either...

Lawyer: "Mickey, I found a judge who will grant you a divorce, but not on the grounds that Minnie is crazy."
Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

Two nuns are driving back to their convent very late one night. All of a sudden Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car to attack them. The nun driving swerves to the left, swerves to the right, back and forth and can't shake him from the hood. She yells at the nun in the passenger seat "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and yells "Get off the FUCKING car!"

Man wakes up in the middle of the night to a knock on the door. He opens the front door and looks around, doesn't see anyone until he looks down and sees a snail with a tie on. The snail says, "Good evening sir, could I interest you in a magazine subscription?" The man is furious and kicks the snail off of his porch.
Two years later there's another knock on the door in the middle of the night. Man opens the door, looks around sees no one until he looks down and sees the snail. The snail yells, "Now you wanna tell me what the fuck THAT was about?"

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal!