Monday, February 14, 2011

The other shoe?

I can't help feeling lately that the other shoe is going to drop. Meaning that I feel way too good, like it's almost unnatural to feel this strong considering what is going on in my body. It's a disconnect and it's hard to wrap your mind around. Now I am on a new medicine called Tarceva, that comes with it's own set of side effects that should start hitting me soon.

One of the side effects is explosive acne, can't wait for that. But honestly pimples are the least of my problems. But there is also a major diarrhea warning (sorry TMI), the insert that came with the medicine actually says to make sure you bring Imodium AD with you in your purse. So this is going to be a problem. And if my math is correct this should all start going down just in time for my next round of chemo on Thurs.

Now I know it's silly to worry about something that hasn't happened yet and might not happen at all. But it just feels like something is coming. I guess it's just this whole game of waiting, waiting comes with this new reality. There's always tests to wait for or right now just waiting to see if the medicine is working, so there will be scans in my near future.

I think I'm just scared that I'll actually start feeling sick. I mean sometimes my lungs hurt, but not like they used to. Sometimes my head hurts, but that's mostly cause it's swimming in meds right now. But not actually feeling sick has been a source of strength for me. It helps give me that mind set that I can do this, I can beat odds. But what happens when I get weaker, how do I keep my resolve up then?

There are two things that have gotten worse. The fatigue which I as aptly warned about by the nurses so it's not entirely unexpected. But the intensity of it since Sunday has been surprising. Especially when you start to feel less foggy, this feels a little sudden. I just don't want to keep my eyes open. If it were up to me I'd spend most of my day in bed, but I will not. I feel I owe it to my body to move it because I can.

The other thing I hate acknowledging is the shakiness. It's bad. I noticed it a little bit in the beginning, but it's here and it's not going anywhere. It's a good thing I don't eat peas, I'd never be able to negotiate them a path to my mouth. Filling empanadas last night was quite a challenge. It's getting harder to hide too, if you see me hold a fork you know my hand be a shakin.

So, it really does feel as though, things will get worse. But hopefully I'm wrong. That this will all be moot and I'll look back at this post and say, gosh that was some paranoia huh? But it's a genuine fear right now.

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