Ok so I haven't really felt like blogging a lot these last couple of months and I really couldn't figure out why. But looking back I think it's a couple of things. I think for one thing that last round of chemo, round 4, was great. I felt absolutely fantastic. I felt so good I did a lot of stuff, went out, organized every closet in my house, attacked to-do list after to-do list. And so I think the first reason was that I found a lot of ways to keep busy. But I think there's another reason, I think I felt so good that I didn't want to remind myself that I was sick. It was like a healthy denial I guess. Healthy in the sense that I'm still taking my meds and doing everything my doc tells me, but denial in the sense that hey I'm not going to sit around thinking about it.
Now I don't mean to imply that blogging brings me down, it doesn't, but since I had so little to complain about I guess I just decided to bounce around being happy hanging out with my family, occasionally making a lunch here or a dinner there. Just being me a little bit. I still journaled (hell yeah I'm making up words!) and I read a lot. I read a gazillion books! Ready?
Bossypants - Tina Fey (didn't love it)
I Know You Are But What Am I? - Samantha Bee (LOVED IT!!!)
Wishful Drinking - Carrie Fisher (funny fast read)
The Glass Castle - Jeanette Walls (fascinating)
Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk - David Sedaris (could NOT put it down)
I Drink For a Reason - David Cross (at times hilarious and at times a little insulting)
Nothing's Sacred - Lewis Black (if you're a fan it's a must read, he is such an interesting, thoughtful person)
Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea - Chelsea Handler (eh, it had it's moments)
Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips and Crazy, Sexy, Cancer Survivor - Kris Karr (very enlightening and fun if you can believe it)
Plus a whole bunch of toddler discipline books (none of them work on my insane child.)
And then my treatment changed and well that came with some anxieties. I'll explain in the next post, but it's really a matter of comfort. I remember when I worked at the Body Shop in the mall when I was a teenager and they'd send us these regional managers from eastbubbafuck nowhere who would use terms like "comfort zone" and shit, and that drove me insane. Like enough with the gimmicky language, we're selling 26 dollar shampoo, having a "script" isn't going to make it more palatable to people's wallets. But I am about to use that term right now, sue me!
I had just gotten used to the whole chemo thing plus I had a great round 4, no dehydration, no vasovagal, no hospital visits. And then I hear we're done, time for radiation. It's a whole new mental and emotional adjustment, I was out of my, wait for it, comfort zone. Fortunately, my internist had given me a heads up at the very beginning that was how it would be. Just when you got the hang of something you have to find your footing again when they throw something new at you. So that just added to the I don't want to blog feeling.
Speaking of which John and I have had to institute a cancer safety word. It's not as much fun as an S&M safety word but equally necessary. For the record it's "banana", meaning that when John starts verbalizing his anxiety about me being off of Tarceva while on radiation, I can yell "Banana!" instead of "Will you shut the fuck up already!" And all cancer talk must cease. Partially because I read about it in a book, and partially because it's awkward yelling "Shut the fuck up" to a man while his mother is staying with us.
I feel bad because I know some people worried that I wasn't blogging cause I was too sick to type and the exact opposite was true. But I have a lot on my mind that I plan to torture y'all with, so there's more to come. As always thanks for listening and reading and god knows why you guys come back for more but I love ya for it!
this is what i got out of this post:ReplyDelete
you didn't love Bossypants???!?
it's nice to see you back though. and write whenever you feel like it. :)