Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'm fine, I'm just dying is all

Tomorrow (1/20) is the first anniversary of my diagnosis, as my Mother in Law said today "a date none of us will ever forget". So I guess this is New Cancer Eve or something. So I've had this blog that I've been sitting on for weeks, it's one of those that I don't feel 100% comfortable with. But here goes:

I can't explain how I feel right now. Which is funny cause I'm going to blog about it so I guess I can, or at least I'm going to attempt it. This is going to be one of those "doesn't make any sense" blogs, where I'm just going to write what's been in my messed up mind and leave everyone who reads this to scratch their pretty little heads.

It's been strange talking about myself and how I'm doing lately. Not because it makes me uncomfortable, cause it doesn't (have you read the blog? I'll tell ya every time I poop if you'd like, I have very few boundaries). But there's an assumed optimism that some people have when they talk to me that I don't quite share.

Not with my immediate family, they know the deal. It's unspoken, but we all know the odds. No point in talking about them or bringing them up, it's just depressing and I still don't really feel "sick" per say, so why bother. And my friends get it, probably anyone who has read this blog gets it.

But when I talk to some people, I can almost sense they are waiting for the tumors to go away. I mean you expect that from someone you've just met or someone who is simply an acquaintance. But there are some people who just don't seem to "get it" And I know they are thinking this way because that's kinda how I felt when I would talk to people I knew who were diagnosed before my own journey. I never realized how irritating that must have been.

And they don't mean anything by it, they just want the person they care about to get better. And I'm not talking about when people tell you they are praying for you or telling you to keep up the positivity, that's cool. It's that sense that one day this will all be over. And as much as I hope that will be the case, I'm not stupid, I know my chances of that happening are in the single digits. And I think my problem is I can't tell if these people don't want to acknowledge that fact for fear of being negative or do they really not know?

I guess I can understand, but for some reason lately it's sorta stuck in my brain. And I actually wonder if it's because I feel so "not sick". Like it's almost as though I have to keep putting it into perspective for myself. And the reason I keep saying "not sick" versus feeling "good" is because I still have bad side effect days, but that's all treatment related. I haven't had any cancer symptoms since the cough stopped. And I don't really have any feeling of the blood clot, most of the time I forget it's there.

I wonder however if this need for people to understand the gravity of this is a genuine need of mine or am I just feeling sorry for myself? I find I've had a shorter fuse about things lately. Like when someone has something they need to deal with and just won't go to the doc out of laziness, all I think about are the cat scans where I have to drink the red goo and I'll get all pissy. Like I want to shake them and be like, "really? I wish I just had to go for just a checkup, but no I have to monitor my tumors, but I can see how going to the doc to get a simple blood test would be so stressful for you!" Which is ironic considering ignoring an issue I needed to go to the doctor for is what got me in this predicament in the first place.

I'm hoping this is just a phase cause I'm finding it a bit intolerable, as in I want to smack myself ala Cher in Moonstruck and yell "snap out of it!" I don't like feeling sorry for myself (that's not entirely true, I used to be ace at it, but since then I have been "given" a real reason to and I suddenly don't want to anymore). I enjoy joking about it all, and I love it when people laugh instead of looking at me with that awkward "Did she just make a cancer/fat bald chick joke?" look, where they are too terrified to laugh.

And I hate when people who have beaten their cancer don't have a sense of humor. I mean come on! You beat the beast!!!! Fuck, I'll declare myself Empress of Manhattan if I beat this shit! I mean laugh baby, laugh a big fat belly "I conquered the fuck out of you" laugh. Like Zeus going all lightening bolt throwing and shit.

Does that make any sense? I want people to acknowledge that I'll likely be dead in less than a decade and to laugh about it? WTF is wrong with me?

I say let's just blame the steroid withdrawal and revisit my state of mind in 2012. Sound good?


  1. i'm confused. i thought you were already declared the "Empress of Manhattan" years ago?

  2. Haha... I love that! Empress of Manhattan. Now, I have to tell you, I'm totally smitten with you (I was from the first posts because you call it like you see it!) but quoting Cher in Moonstruck.... Yeah.... if you knew how many times I bitch-slapped myself while visualizing that scene....

    Listen up-I'm a "survivor" and I'm grateful and all that stuff especially since I got The Good Cancer. And they were able to damage control it.... two tits, two ovaries and a mess of chemo that screwed up my brain...... And I know I'm lucky. I turned into a big mouth for all the other cancers. Pink became the bully cancer and it's bullshit...

    I'm in the cheap seats and I would imagine it's not easy to be in your chair. People are generally well intentioned but they do say some dumb things (or ignore you entirely as if it's contagious or something) ...... Don't stop feeling your feelings and don't ever stop believing. I'm not being Little Miss Sunshine. I tend to go toward Debbie Downer at times but I am a medical news whore. Research is moving at warp speed. I hope research catches you....

    Meantime, keep writing....

  3. OK Lisa - I lost that title due to some scandalous photos taken of me clubbing baby seals...

    AnneMarie - I LOVE that movie! "I put a curse on that plane" "My fiance's on that plane" "Oh, how nice!"

    Hey I hate comparing cancers (as in good or bad) because cancer sucks no matter what kind or stage it is. There are just times when the person I'm talking to is so damn cheery I want to just scream, do you know what I mean? Not hopeful (that's cool), I'm talking chipper. I can't stand chipper. HA! JK! ;)

  4. One of the funniest scenes..... around the kitchen table...... "Aunt Rita" goes to answer the doorbell. She walks back down the hallway with that "mop-een" on her head and in that sing song hushed tone, "It's Johnny Cammireri" ...

    I'm not big on comparing cancers either but I got lots of anger (not over the cancer, just over "stuff" in general and a need to either kick the shit out of someone or channel it)... So, I'm channeling it to the crowd with the pink boas and all that other stuff....

    Hopeful is cool... Chipper ALWAYS sucks. Take it down a few notches already..... we need to get you a "bullshit buzzer" so when someone hears it, they will know to immediately switch tone....