Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I got moves like Jagger

I'm sorry, but Adam how can I take Maroon 5 seriously with a song like that? I know everyone loves it but I think it's ridiculous. First of all, Jagger technically doesn't have any moves. He learned how to dance from Tina Turner (a goddess among goddesses in my book, but I digress). Secondly, have you actually seen his moves? He looks like a neuropathy patient with epilepsy.

And finally, look I know the man is talented and a music pioneer. But when the hell was it decided that he was sexy or at least STILL sexy? The man has had sex with anything with a pulse for 50+ years. And he treated his wife like crap (though I have to admit, wtf did she expect?) I don't get why anyone finds man whores attractive, with one glaring exception. Tommy Lee, yes he is a disgusting walking petri dish, but he's hot and is hung like a sperm whale. So feel free to fantasize away, I just wouldn't recommend seeking him out for a real life experience however. Unless of course you have a sexy Hazmat suit.

WTF is this about? How the hell should I know, I just write this thing, I never promised coherence.

So I was going to air all my dirty laundry about the last two weeks and how much they suck. And how much I want to strangle a certain someone. But I'm keeping most of it to myself, well except for this: I have to be the only cancer patient, who after a day of vomiting and pre-op testing, who can ask her husband if she can take a 10 min nap before dinner and be told "no". Now I know what you're thinking how is that even possible? I did too. So I attempted to nap in protest and the SOB kept waking me up every time I nodded off. Why? Because he thought it was important that I eat first. I told you I hurled my guts up already right? But he got his way and I ate my meatloaf angerly whilst falling asleep. Yes I know only a woman could achieve an eating emotion.

But no, I will take the high road and instead discuss my sex life (feel free to run away in horror, but stick around I might be funny). Now I know you're wondering why I had pre-op testing today. Well I'm having a minor, unnecessary, GYN, not cancer related, had no intention of discussing it here procedure on Friday. That is until my husband called me from work this afternoon and said the secretaries in the Dean's office are concerned you're taking an unnecessary risk to your health. I was like, "they what?" But I'm SO unreasonable when I'm angry.

Yeah so it's official no part of my life is private anymore. So to fill you in on the things that I had foolishly decided not to share previously, here you go. My menstrual cycle is still regular, according to my OB/GYN I'm still fertile (actually I posted that one on Facebook), I've actually read the Story of O, and I have seen How Stella Got Her Groove Back about 48 times, because Taye Diggs keeps showering and I keep watching... And I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, I AM into Yoga and they fried half my brain.

There you go my complete profile. Oh wait AND I'm getting an IUD placed on Friday. There I have nothing left. Why am I doing this. Well I can't be on hormonal contraceptives anymore thanks to Cletus (my blood clot). So I need a reliable, non-hormonal way to keep from getting knocked up. Because despite chemo's best effort, I still can get pregnant and I'm on Tarceva which would just be disastrous. So my OB/GYN and I decided on this method.

Now this led to a very uncomfortable exchange with my mother in law, that I kinda find hilarious. She and I have become closer in the last year and it's been really wonderful. Unfortunately for her it means I now tell her things I never would have before, like "oh by the way I'm having an IUD placed to prevent anymore grandchildren springing from my end." Amanda and Steven are going to have to make up the difference I'm afraid. But my nephew is the cutest so they should really make a million babies! But again I digress.

So my mother in law, concerned for my health and safety says. "Well why doesn't John take care of it?" And she asks this in such a way that I assume she means a vasectomy. So I say "Well because that wouldn't be fair. If I die, what if he and his new wife want children?" To which she said, "I was talking about condoms Jaime." And I said "Oh right..."

Come on that conversation is classic! I should submit it to OverheardinNewYork.com.

And in case you're asking that same question yourself, refer to the Sophia blog and my two major preggo scares. Guess what we used?

So today I had my pre-op testing. Some blood and an EKG, I could have done that blindfolded, standing on my head (NOT a reference to my aforementioned sex life). One nurse said that I would likely have general anesthesia (which I've never had) but then the nurse practitioner said later on that it would likely be just sedation (which I've had 3 times so far). But now John is freaked out and instead of putting me at ease, he's instead freaked me out too.

Now to be honest, between that and the nap, the IUD is quickly becoming REALLY unnecessary. However if Jason Statham ever decides he's into bald, fat chicks, I'd like to be prepared.

So I don't know what to do. Though I guess I should discuss it with the secretaries in the Dean's office. I was totally cool with this decision until John started pacing back and forth outside the doorway, mouthing about how he hates that I'm doing this while I am having blood drained from me. And now it's 2:39 AM and I'm sharing all the gory details with you. (He's going to kill me for this blog BTW, if I'm not on Facebook tomorrow, call the authorities.)

I'm just angry and I'm blogging angry. Which probably isn't fair, but neither was telling the secretaries about what is going on with my cervix. The man didn't tell his coworkers I was pregnant until two weeks before I delivered, but this needed to be shared.

Ugh, so here is my first passive aggressive post. I'll probably regret it when it's not 3AM anymore, but I hope you got a good laugh.

Oh and one more thing, I have a lot of trouble saying IUD. Why? Because at work we had these things called UIDs which were important and we dealt with them 100 times a day. So when I pause to say IUD so that I say it correctly, the nurses look at me like I'm Forrest Gump. I swear they are thinking "Are you having trouble spelling that honey?"

Ok I'm going to publish this before I am in my right mind so you can enjoy it until John makes me take it down! ;)

I have some scans coming up next month, I'll fill y'all in. Until then, hope you had a better Valentine's Day than I did. Love you!!!


  1. LOVE your posts!!!!!! You totally make me laugh, and I haven't forgotten, I still owe you some brownies....if we ever cross that bridge in the future, you're the first stop!

  2. Don't YOU DARE take this post down.... Under NO circumstances shall you cave.... this is friggen funny as all hell...

    "I was talking about condoms" ..... I spit the soda out of my mouth. My own fault. I should have known better than to sip on anything as I was reading. I needed to laugh tonight. Had a rough couple of weeks. So, I'm bouncing around to a few blog buddies and some of them with ads... same friggen ad keeps popping up, "Is He Cheating On You?"

    This, I can assure you, I do NOT need. I am separated and we pretend marry every weekend. Husband claims he wants to fix things (after 18 months... and LOTS of damage).... Including lots of "cheating" while he was claiming to want to fix things... so... I was about ready to hurl the laptop til I read this....

    Keep writing.... LOVE YOU right back.... Sloan sister....


    ps-I was sick for V day.... "repentant husband" called in the morning to ask me on a dinner date.... Personally.... I got a thing for Lenny Kravitz now that he's not a crazed drug addict any more.. He's got a smokin hot body...... I don't need to worry about UID's either.... Breast cancer took my tits AND my ovaries, too.... but then, I don't have to worry about Lenny K knocking down my door either...I'm in a sex free zone. ugh. and now I'll hit publish before I chicken out!

  3. I know Beth, we totally have to work on a Brownie date!

    AnneMarie, I'm so glad you got a good laugh out of it. My hub still hasn't read it yet, so he hasn't tried to kill me yet, but it's only a matter of time...

    I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds rather frustrating. Just remember you have to do what's best for you, don't be afraid to do what makes you happy.

    Ok pop up ads are annoying as it is, those however are just awful!

    I was considering an Oopherectomy, I still plan to do it, but I'll do it in a few years right after I turn 40. Until then I decided to go the reversible route just in case a miracle happens! ;)

    I has in a sex free zone for all of 2011, and not one call from Jason or Taye. I'm with ya on Lenny and when he does knock your door down, I have confidence you'll rise to the occassion! ;)

    Hang in there babe, love ya!!!

  4. I really thought I sent you a note.... just wanted to say that Taye does it for me, too.... Lenny, however..... I swear to you I may have to go move to that Bahamian island for a six month stint or something.....

    Back at ya with the love....

  5. So many funny possibilities to post in response, but I can't for fear of Jenn getting that serious tone. In your defense, I thought vasectomy too from the description, but the answer was so damned hysterical. And finally, I will risk the wrath of my wife by telling you what went through my brain as you discussed your options for birth control - SNL's Tim Meadows as "The Ladies Man" saying "Well.... Have you tried the butt?" Oh shit, here she comes!

  6. It's like Family Guy, "You kids were doing it... in the EAR!" That episode is brilliant!

    Also isn't "Anal doesn't count" the official motto of the abstinence movement?

    It is not however my motto... ;)

  7. Been a while since I've read your posts, but I'm baaack. Cracking up at the convo with your M-I-L.

    LMAOOOOO @ "Oh and one more thing, I have a lot of trouble saying IUD. Why? Because at work we had these things called UIDs which were important and we dealt with them 100 times a day." I CAN TOTALLY RELATE!!! I used to have problems saying "DUI" too! LOL
    As far as Moves Like Jagger...who REALLY cares about Jagger?The BEAT is HOTNESS! I love to wild out to it w/my nephew. We totally have the moves like Jagger! LOL

  8. Hey!!! How's it going babe? Truth is I secretly love that song, ha!